So much to be thankful for

I slept to a piece of extremely sad news last night. And I will do so again tonight.

One of our couple friends was pregnant with their first child together. Was is the operative word. My husband tearfully told me last night of how they lost their son at the 35th week of pregnancy. I was shocked. I cried. I cried some more today, and I cry as I am writing this.

How is that possible? Our friend, the guy in particular, had wanted a baby for so long. They would definitely be capable parents. They already are, to two beautiful girls. They were good people. Why do terrible things happen to good people?

I think this is a question that has gotten kicked down the road of over a million lifetimes. We are free to have choices, but then we are also subject to circumstances. Beyond our control. Beyond our understanding. A friend once told me of how difficult of a journey they had trying to conceive. They finally had a daughter, but that was after three miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy. He was on the conservative side of the fence for that reason. He muses at the imbalance of unwanted pregnancies that end in abortion, in the face of people who want to have children so badly.

I feel that way right now. My second, and current pregnancy is almost at 22 weeks. This was an unplanned pregnancy, and regardless of the outcome, I am glad that my husband and I chose to keep the baby. Approaching the 10th week, we had a big decision to make, believe it or not. To keep or not to keep. We tried to be logical: "but we're not ready to have another one," "I wasn't exactly in the best physical health and shape," and "how are we going to afford this?"

My realization came in a challenging question to myself: "Is this what life is all about? What we are not prepared to do? What we cannot afford to do?" Then and there, I knew the right decision was to keep the pregnancy.

Now my only hope in light of this event is that my pregnancy continues to remain otherwise healthy. I have so much to be thankful for. I feel so much guilt as well for even having to pause and not have an unequivocal answer to start, about whether to keep this baby or not. 

To my future baby Maximilian, please forgive me for doubting that I could care for you. I am beyond grateful that my womb was blessed enough to carry your big sister Stella, and now you. Your Dada and I cannot wait to meet you. For as long as God will let us borrow both of you, you shall have my heart entirely.